This was not actually the story I intended to write today, however I couldn’t help but notice the date. September 23rd. Bi Visibility Day. The day of the unicorn! The day when all the greedy bastards come out of the wood works…some would say! In light of this, why not share my own story? I’ve been out and proud for nearly 5 years now, but I’ve known that I’ve not been straight as long as I can remember…
My first crush, if you ask my parents, was a boy in my class named Martin. I used to say he would kiss me in the toilets at break time and we got married in the playground. Neither were true. 5 year old me had an active imagination, and I actually thought Martin had a strange face. He just was the boy I was closest to at the time. My crushes would then go on to other boys, and I had a soft spot for Gareth Gates for many years.
At least, that is what I would say when I was asked. Turns out I was great at closeting myself even at primary school age!
My first real crush actually hit me like a rainbow brick at age 10. I was in drama classes all throughout my childhood, and one day a new teacher came to take the class.
For argument’s sake I’ll call her Laura, since Laura and I are still very much in touch 11 years later and I frankly find this whole phase weird in hindsight.
Laura was, and still is, a tall red head. She exuded energy and confidence, had curves everywhere, and was everything I wanted to be at age 10. She was the first woman I had ever met who I actually thought of as “beautiful”. We are raised to say mummy is beautiful or granny is beautiful, but when I said Laura was beautiful it was the first time I actually meant it. Obviously at age 10 I didn’t think of this as a sexual attraction at the time, and now I look back I still don’t. I didn’t know what sex was until age 13, ah Catholic school, but this woman had me transfixed. I remember being extremely confused about how I was feeling for a very long time. At this time in my life all my friends were looking through magazines, talking about how beautiful all these boy band icons were. I just saw the same frosted tips haircut and baggy jeans over and over again, it was the noughties! We were being taught in school that people develop at different rates, so I just thought that finding boys cute was something that just happened when you grew up. I was just a late bloomer. I’d just wake up one day and suddenly go “oh! Boys! Testosterone! Wife me! Women are friends, not for marriage”. After Laura came 4 more serious crushes until I hit teenagehood. It would be 4 more years until I had my first proper crush on a boy…
At age 14 I got into my first serious relationship…and the person I was in this relationship with very much had a penis. What drew me to him was his personality, the way he commanded a room, and, although I hate to admit it, he is probably one of the funniest people I have ever met. I fell in love with him fast, and honestly felt relieved. I wasn’t gay! Phew! Time to ride the privileged rollercoaster until death with my BOYfriend. The BOY. See how much he has an Adam’s Apple? Me straight.
Well, we broke up a year later…
Before this relationship and then after, people at school would always tease me for being gay. Why? Because when I was asked what boys I liked I would say none. Of course all these boys were absolute catches and exuded big dick energy in their teens, so the fact I didn’t like them CLEARLY meant I was gay and not that they were just knobs. Gay was such an insulting term to them. I apparently looked gay, acted gay, talked gay (cause that’s a thing), just all around clearly a flaming homo. I would get so upset over this, and spent so long trying to appear as straight as I could. Now if someone said I looked gay I know I would have clearly nailed my aesthetic for the day!
Then at 16 I met my current boyfriend. Again, very much a penis owner, 2 different types of chromosome. Still straight, banging! Who would’ve known it would actually be this man that would be the person who got me to come out…
We had been together for about a year. We were lying in bed, hugging, very much in love (with a BOY remember!) He needed to Google something so I gave him my phone to use, and then ran off to the bathroom. I came back to see my boyfriend looking very confused, but also trying not to laugh.
“K, your web history just popped up at the side. Why were you looking at lesbian porn?”
I quickly make up something along the lines of I just wanted to see if I was into it, which then quickly changed to clicking on it by accident. At this point the confusion in his face dies, and he does indeed burst out laughing.
“So you’ve been accidentally clicking on nothing but gay porn for the past 6 months?”
In hindsight this is hilarious, but back then I just burst into tears.
He then stops laughing and hugs me, assuring me it’s all OK. I couldn’t stop howling! I kept being asked what was wrong and I couldn’t respond. I’d be awful in an interrogation scenario let me tell you! All I could muster was whispering “I’m sorry” over and over again. It takes me about 15 minutes to calm down, and a talk then begins. He asks me if I’m attracted to women, and I say I can’t be. Our relationship was obviously sexual at that point, and I loved it. That means I can’t fancy women.
“When you watch these though, do you get into it?”
“And have you fancied a girl before?”
“…mhmm. But, but I’m not gay!”
“Never said you were!”
More laughter ensues from him. I start crying again.
“K, I think you’re bisexual…”
*Cries like a Kardashian*
At age 17, I had worked it out. It was OK to like men, and OK to like women. Now in my 20s I don’t think about it much anymore. If someone is attractive then they’re attractive. No big deal.
Puberty is a time where we go through hormonal changes. We might think we like boys, next day girls, next day no one. I still haven’t quite worked out what I like! I’ve found love and I’m happy, and I’m happy to say that I take all comers (ha, geddit!) I hope to raise my own children with the philosophy that they can marry a boy or a girl, and would hope that they would have the confidence to live life and love who they like. I still haven’t come out to my parents and hide behind heteronomativity.
Maybe this is a phase, but phases are fun! We learn from phases and get to try new things. In my case, both peen and puss! Hope all my fellow superqueeros are celebrating with their pink, purple and blue capes today. Keep flying the flag!